This post was previously written and published on my personal blog, but I wanted to share it with my readers here on fru-gal.org, as I know it may speak to some of you going through similar circumstances. The baby in the ultrasound picture is now our beloved nine month old boy, David. God is faithful.
|Our baby at my 8 week ultrasound, 11/28/11.|
I hold onto one essential truth that I have learned intimately over the past year: I can trust in the Lord, even when everything else I love falls away. I can still rejoice, because above all else, I have my salvation and I understand the secret to Life. I'm blessed beyond measure, more than most people, because I have my Savior and He has chosen me.
And with this new baby, I have become able to hope again, to look at other pregnant women and not feel immediate despair, to be less sensitive to others remarks, to talk about pregnancy and babies with more ease. Yes, going through pregnancy again has helped me mend in many ways. Yet, I find myself in a unique juxtaposition. I am blessed and excited about my 4th baby growing inside my belly, so far healthy and strong, but I still find myself in moments of grief over my 2nd and 3rd. I won't have a proper name for them or see their little faces until heaven, but I still long for them as any mother would long for her missing babies. I still think about how old each of them would be right now and what my life would be like with them. My children are irreplaceable, whether I have them for seven weeks in my womb, or 60 years on earth. One child cannot substitute for the other. I'm so immensely grateful to the Lord for my current pregnancy, but I find myself rejoicing, even still, with two little holes in my heart.